- Surprisingly tall lofted beds
- Upholstered showers
- Involuntary bidet system
- Fewer than 5 violent crimes annually**
- Cable. Miles and miles of cable.
- Ambulance always unsettlingly idling outside the door
- No blood stains
- Man servant (female)
- Poster of bo derek available on request
- 24 hour security (use them wisely, 24 hours is all you're getting)
- Mail service
For rent: apartment in central kingston. Features:
For rent, walls just a crazy amount of walls arranged at fuckin weird angles some up some down, I don't even know. There's a bottom wall you can walk on but that really freaks my shit out. But listen here's what I'm saying right? All these walls, right, you can sleep and eat and get fresh with fine women and these walls they keep you out of the rain and keep out the peepers, ya heard? So listen what I'm saying is, for every ten bucks you get, gimme two, and I'll give you the keys and you do whatever you want, no questions asked. Just no shit with kids ya heard? Shit with kids freaks my shit out. I just needed some space for my guitars and stuff and otherwise it's all you. Leave your name with the bartender.
For rent, apartment in downtown Newark. Northern exposure ensures this property is filled with light in the morning, not to mention the sneaking fear that Stalin's faults were all of our faults. Three bedroom, two bath. High ceiling with skylight in living room. Wooden terrace with good view of the city, great for barbecues. Safe neighborhood. Convenient off street parking available within one block (one space available for tenants, guest passes available on a weekly basis). No smoking, pets ok. $1800 per month.
For rent: big house, with a bigger attitude. Grey folding chair available after 6 months occupancy. Slop bucket included (easy walk to nearby slop vendors). Newly installed water closet (do not open closet door! flooding WILL occur). Neighborhood watch just a little too aggressive in surrounding area. We have no problem with Jewish people whatsoever. The passage of time remains steady but a part of you slows and decays. 900/wk
For rent: multicultural trans-generational flex-family co-opdominiums. Gluten-free wallpaper and vegan-friendly stairs. Pets welcomed as individuals with independent agency. Solar powered windmills. TRIGGER WARNING: light switches kinda look like tiny triggers. Non-discriminating communist garden accepts both organic and conventional weeds. Compact fluorescent compost toilets standard in every room, even though we all know rooms are a social construct and we should work towards a more open society instead of walling off and partitioning our differences. 300 hugs/month.
For rent: cozy bed and breakfast near lake. On site laundry facilities. Newly installed central air. Walking distance to town. We believe honesty to be the best policy, so we're going to be upfront about this: a lot of people have been murdered in this cabin. Modest window treatments block out all light, but not sound. Emergency exits now available in the kitchen, bedroom, and - most recently - bathroom. Road accessible during dry season. A perfect spot for the spirited adventurer type!
Foreclosure sale: unfinished stately pleasure dome. Great location, half twenty miles of fertile ground, bordered by sacred river Alph. THE SUNNIEST SPOTS ENFOLDED BY GREENERY IN THE COUNTY! Ideal for hosting lavish parties and storing vast collections of art, statues, neglected spouses, and domesticated wildlife. Potential for metaphor abuse; caveat emptor. All inquiries from Porlock will be ignored.