For rent: affordable studio loft in converted warehouse in downtown Austin. Move in immediate, but you know that living here is killing your mother. Parking on street, safe neighborhood. She worked her whole life to give you every opportunity and you majored in fine arts, christ. High ceilings, exposed brick, rustic industrial feel. Your grandparents grew up in the great depression and fought World War II as teenagers and then came home to build the greatest middle class in human history and what do you do with it? You god damn hipsters went and made poverty cool. We could have put up sheetrock. It looks nice and it holds heat better, but then it wouldn't look like an old converted factory so we couldn't charge as much. You'll be cold at night, heating is through the roof, but that's on you not us. Tell you what, don't rent here. Go home. Get a job as a dental hygienist. Call your mother. Shave your ironic mustache and stop watching Lena Dunham, she isn't funny.
For rent: 2 br condo with June move in. Luxury building with doorman in lobby (try not to stare; living life as half door half man is hard enough). Tennis court on roof, kangaroo court in basement, great for trying enemies of a revolutionary right wing government. Security cameras in all hallways and common spaces, panopticon in courtyard. Military training not included but preferred. As lease becomes more subtle it also becomes more complete. Covered parking garage adjoining building included.
For rent: 6 bdr Victorian with mild turpentine aftertaste. Walking distance from local shops, shoppes, and restaurants. Graveyards on premises (removable if desired) with space for 10 adults or 16 children. No kitchen, bad kitchen, kitchen get down from there, you make pee pee outside. $2000/m
For immediate occupancy: come stay in your new home away from home! Several gated entrances and 24/7 on-site security provide you the peace of mind you need to feel at ease in your new close-knit community. With easy walks to all of life's legally-mandated necessities (including mess halls, exercise yards, laundry rooms, and trauma centers), you'll find plenty to do with your allotted 30 minutes of daily leisure. Shared rooms come standard, with single rooms available for spirited individuals. Guaranteed thirty-years-to-life leases eliminate down-the-road housing worries; ten-year leases available with good behavior. For more information, abduct a privileged youth.
To lease: 5br (4.8br canadian) in morning side heights. Free garbage and recycling delivered to your bed nightly. Washer and dryer on premises, though you may not use them. Additional attic storage available, whether you're gay or straight, we don't see how that would affect your use of the storage space anyway. The hottest water allowable by law. Near stop n shop.
For sale: starter home, compatible with most phases of matter. Great view of the universe. Can shelter occupants from the elements (though obviously not THE elements). Capable of withstanding combustion at most commonly encountered temperatures. Will remain at rest unless acted upon by external force of sufficient magnitude. Constructed out of high quality processed stardust. Persists when not observed by conscious entity. Can be yours now in exchange for mutually understood symbols evocative of value!
For rent: studio inefficiency. Labyrinthine arrangement of walls and hallways, precious little living space. Shared kitchenette in basement area (metered). NO GUESTS. Elevator access to odd numbered floors only. Parking passes available between 5:00 and 6:00 AM, must renew daily. Curfew in effect. BYOB (Bring Your Own Bathroom).
For rent: luxury 2 floor apartment in center city. Professional kitchen. Sunken living room overflowing with broken glass. Sunroom doubles as daughter room if you conceal your disappointment. Never been seen on "to catch a predator." Open source with commercial licensing available. Rows of poplars line the streets of downtown Minneapolis. We're in New York, but that sure does sound nice, right?
For lease: luxury condominium, 2200 sqft, 3 bdr, 3 bath, fully-stocked kitchen, working fireplace, Olympic swimming pool in commons, on-site gym, close to downtown. While we're here, Charles David Gorski, you are being sued for back payments of child support. Contact my attorney immediately, or we WILL take you to court (you know her number). Covered parking available for additional fee. Call soon, this property is hot!
Roommate wanted for immediate move-in: 1 bedroom apartment, shared baths (to save water), male looking for male roommate sized 39"x33"x15" willing to share clothes, feelings, dreams of having a twin brother, not in, like, a creepy way, but when you think about it wouldn't that be neat? We could just look, not touch.
For immediate occupancy: 1 house, not a home, that part's on you. Solid foundation, new siding by previous owner. Stronger in the broken places. Walk in closet in master bedroom. Waiting to be filled with memories, but know that that's an illusion, the memories are carried with you. Paved driveway fits 2-3 cars. You remember when you were watching golf one time and Julie came in screaming something about a doll house, I mean just SCREAMING nonsensically and you couldn't believe how loud it was and you yelled out "fuck!" in front of her and she got real quiet for a minute and just stood there. She didn't cry, it somehow would have been better if she'd cried, but she just kind of looked at me disappointed for a while and then ran off scared. I don't even like golf that much. All new appliances in kitchen. Hard wood in living room. All sales final, all things final for that matter. When Julie was 9 we were driving to Giant and I was trying to figure out the radio I never could work the damn thing. Christ it happened so fast. Fully furnished. I don't know if you've ever packed a up a child's play room into garbage bags but, yeah, never again, fully fucking furnished. Asking 200k for qualified buyers. At some point the money stops mattering. Call to arrange a viewing.
For sale: condo in 2 story brownstone. Seen in the background of one episode of "The L Word" on showtime. Serious inquiries only. If you're one of those weirdos who gets their jollies calling up real estate agents without due seriousness then you're gonna get the bum's rush when you come my way, I'll tell you. Located physically within Kansai international airport. Financing available, whatever that means.